I came across this old business school assignment and *sigh*, this is one of those moments I wish I could go back in time and just squeeze some self-love into my younger self. The prompt was about learning something I didn’t think I could, and I wrote about my first hot yoga class. Picture me: awkward, sweaty, and internally narrating my misery like a stand-up routine.
“Prompt: Have you ever learned something you didn't think you could learn? What was it and what strategies did you use to help yourself be successful? How did you feel once you had learned it? How can you use this experience to build resilience as you face difficult tasks in your courses ahead?
My response: I remember when I tried hot yoga for the first time. I was with Jen, my limber and svelte Asian goddess of a friend and we were in a pretty hip studio in North Phoenix. The lobby was dimly lit, the atmosphere was relaxed with ambient electronica rhythmically pulsating throughout the room, the inviting scent of lavender and vanilla soothingly caressing my senses as I studied the room.
It looked like a casting call of the hottest, most fit people in the valley. Cool, now I’m nervous and intimidated. I’ve tried yoga before and even after stating that I wasn’t very flexible, Jen assured me that the heat and humidity (a lovely 105°F (40.5°C) with about 40% humidity) allow you to contort your body into positions you didn’t think were possible. Feeling both eager and terrified, class began and immediately, it became painfully obvious that I was the newbie.
Uncoordinated and awkward, I pushed through the class while mentally berating myself throughout the duration of the 90 minute torturous class. “Jowita, you’re SO not coming back!”, “oh my god. This SUCKS!”, “I am literally sweating down my forehead, into my eyes. Wait, are my eyelashes sweating? Is that even possible?”, “if it wasn’t frowned upon to leave class prematurely I would be half way home… but no, instead I’m in an awkward downward facing - dog hovering over a pool of sweat.”, “I’ve officially reached the epitome of embarrassment… *loses balance and plummets forward*... wait, no. now I have”
Based on that lovely experience along with the kind words in my head, I was convinced I’d never be able to call myself a Yogi. Being that I am annoyingly hard on myself, I wouldn’t give up. So, I went back, and soon became pretty darn good at hot yoga. Jen was very supportive and pushed me when I wanted to go home and lounge around in my sweats.
Once I overcame the initial shock of the severity and complexity of the class, I knew that I would only improve. Practice makes perfect, right? Well, by no means would I say I’ve peaked perfection, but I definitely captured the eye of several classmates who kindly complimented my progress.
I use this experience to build resilience as I face difficult situations in life regularly. From overcoming a challenging task and time consuming task at work, to dealing with the demise of a three year romantic relationship, I know that adopting the growth mindset way of thinking has been the sole reason for my continued success in life.”
Fast forward to 40, and re-reading it now, it just lands so differently. Wow. I was a badass, that’s for sure. Not that I wouldn’t still push myself in both literal and figurative ways—but I wouldn’t be so, how you say, horrible to myself? Thank the heavens I am so much kinder these days. And honestly, the audacity of my younger self to answer a MGT 380 course question on resilience by spilling the tea on a full-blown meltdown from my personal life? Peak rebellion. Ha. But I digress.
Do I still compare myself? Obviously. I mean, hello, I’m an extremely self-aware human, duh. But instead of tearing myself apart, I move at my own pace, in my own rhythm, and I actually like myself while doing it.
These last ten years, I’ve definitely been “doing the work,” and let me just say, the infusion of self-love into my life has made me less critical, more compassionate (to myself and to others), and overall so much more me.
Where I used to compare myself to everyone around me, striving to look “cool” enough to fit in, I now unapologetically embrace my individuality. Where the emphasis once rested on how I appeared outwardly, it now shines on how I feel within. Where my desires were once extrinsically motivated, they are now intrinsically embodied. Where I once constricted myself to conform, I now relax into becoming. And where I used to shame myself for being “bad” at something new, I now practice self-compassion, lifting myself up instead of playing the mean girl.
The older I get the more I am consciously choosing the existence I want to experience. With age not only comes wisdom but, if one chooses, an unraveling of toxic patterns, unfavorable learned programs, and a remembrance of who one truly is. Getting older is freaken awesome.
Slight tangent, but, Becoming the Sun was born from a profound healing session with my beautiful teacher, Lilah. During this soul-nourishing experience, I asked, “What is my purpose in life?” and she simply said, “To become the sun.” From that moment, I began stepping into my radiance — even when it felt awkward, especially when it felt awkward.
It’s often cringy to lead with your heart wide open, to be vulnerable, and to truly show up authentically… that cringe is from our inherent desire to be accepted and the fear of being rejected causes us to feel that sinking anxiety ridden feeling of “oh god, this is humiliating, what if they think I’m a total freak”, but it also feels amazing, exhilarating, euphoric.
The more I lean into stepping out of the comfy shackles of my comfort zone, the more I attract people who feel like angels in human form. These last two years, wow. By opening my heart and allowing love in, I show others it’s safe to do the same. That’s the greatest blessing. This is my purpose with this platform.
And here we are: a year after launching my podcast, now sharing on this platform and connecting with beautiful souls like you. :)
Oh and the casual mention of the “demise of a three year romantic relationship” I was referring to, was a dynamic consisting of an emotionally unavailable man who I kept accepting breadcrumbs from, who would end up shattering my heart (we will absolutely be talking about this more because damn, heartbreak can be the ultimate catalyst for change, phew!), leading me to embark on the most pivotal journeys of my life, the journey within, and setting me free to meet the man of my dreams a few years later because I finally found my self worth. Sooo, all that to say, I thought it would be fun to share this throwback piece, equal parts embarrassing and empowering, and reflect on just how far I’ve come. And a friendly reminder to give your younger self a big hug, because they probably need it.
Today’s channeled message: You were never here to blend in, to hustle for approval, or to perfect every step. You are here to rise in your own rhythm, to burn with your own fire, to be unapologetically alive. Let comparison fall away. Choose compassion. Stand in the light that is already yours.
Your becoming is the brilliance.
For anyone drawn to reconnect with their inner child, I’ve created an Inner Child Healing Meditation to help you soften, release, and remember your wholeness.
